Ghosts of beckett's past
by En.Martin
Summary: Based on killshot. Just when Kate thought she couldn't take it anymore, she was one gulp of vodka away from deaths door, but what if some old faces turn up to show kate the life that she's destined to have and she could now miss out on.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be a multi chapter story; it's based **_**on**_** kill shot**.

Not too sure if this was done before but I don't think I've got the patience to crawl through every fan fiction ever made LOL! Hope you enjoy it.

**-GHOSTS OF BECKETTS PAST-**

Just when Kate thought she couldn't take it anymore, sitting in her apartment at 3am, in the dark, alone, and in pieces. She was one more gulp of vodka and a handful of pills away from ending it all, and then she saw it. A silhouette stood in the doorway of her living room, she couldn't make out who the figure was from the faint glimmer of the street lamp that peered through the window but, he or she were tall, medium build and didn't attain a lot of hair.

"Hey kid." The silhouette said, breaking the silence. She could hear the smile in their voice. They were leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, one foot resting over the heel of the other. After a moment, the figure drew its self-closer, taking small strides; they squatted down in front of her until they were at eye level with Kate, trying to take in the sight before them. Kate who sat in the middle of her living room floor, mascara and stale tears smudged all over face, arms wrapped around her knees, she leaned back against her mahogany coffee table and held the posture of a brittle old woman.

Kate now had confirmation it was a male, because there was only one person who addressed her as _kid_, and only one person who possessed such a masculine husky voice, revealing how many cigarettes he had smoked in his life time.

_Royce._

"Royce?" She said, his face coming into view of her blurry vision. She rubbed her eyes in disbelief. _Is this real?_ She thought to herself. Kate was convinced the pills were causing this bizarre hallucination. "Boy do you look rough." he smirked.

"I'm either really drunk or there's a dead guy standing in my living room." She said aloud, framing her face with her hands, mocking herself. Royce is dead and has been for almost a year, he's six feet under the ground, and he can't be here, right in front of her being the smart ass that he was notorious for.

"Well I can I assure you, you are definitely wasted," he said, glancing to the left of Kate's head at the half empty bottle of vodka perched on the coffee table. "And I can assure you, I'm definitely dead." he said, and then looked himself up and down, reminding himself of his misfortune.

"Oh my god, it's just the pills talking Kate, it's just the pills talking." She assured herself, eyes pressed shut while she clamped her hands over her ears.

"Relax kid I'm not here to hurt you, in fact if you're not going to finish that fifth of vodka…."

Royce released himself from the squat, and joined Kate on the floor, he sat opposite her, he stretched his legs out in front of him, snatched Kate's glass off the floor, which lay beside her right thigh, and he leaned his head back against the arm of Kate's couch.

"It's all in your head Kate, it's all in your head." She repeated to herself, hands framing her face again, as she looked up from under her eyelashes in disbelief, taking in the ghostly form of her once former police partner whom was sitting in front of her now , knocking back a fifth of vodka six ways to Sunday.

"Sure, keep talking to yourself," he threw back another gulp of vodka. "That's much saner than talking to a _dead guy._" He said, Using his free hand to mimic air quotes and quoting her from earlier.

He was grinning to himself, finding the situation hilarious.

"What's your purpose of being here, you're supposed to be up in heaven," she threw her hands up to the ceiling gesturing towards the sky. "Being a bounty hunter for the lord himself, sending bad guys down to hell." She said, demonstrating a beckett eye roll.

"Well, my good buddy, john Wayne said he'd cover my shift. So I thought I'd come down here and check up on my girl."

Kate half smiled and gave him another eye roll.

Definitely still a smart ass. Some things never change, she thought.

"I'm fine." She lied.

"Yeah, you look great." Royce gave her the once over with his eyes and took another gulp of the vodka.

Kate heard the sarcasm in his voice.

She didn't answer; instead she just focused on the ground in front of her. Things must be really bad if she's at a stage where she only communicates in the company of dead people. Yep she has definitely hit rock bottom, she thought.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you kid, you know the…" Royce pointed to her chest with his free hand.

"Yeah well that's not going to good right now" she said running her hands through her hair, and staring into the far window of her living room.

"I know." He said, Concern evident in his tone.

"Oh, so spying is legal up in heaven is it?" she said, bearing half a smile.

Royce scoffed.

"Hey, just because I wasn't around when I was living doesn't mean I can't be when I'm dead."

"Well thanks I guess…so what are you doing here?" she instantly regretted asking him.

"Oh my god did I just ask a dead guy a question." Kate said, as she covered her face with her hands, embarrassed at the thought. "And what's worse, is I know he's going to answer it." She said, peering between her fingers.

Royce laughed, Again finding the situation hilarious.

"Well I know you're going through a rough time right now," he said, not making eye contact while circling the rim of his empty glass with his thumb. He was stalling, Royce was always better at explaining his feelings on paper rather than verbally. Just like that letter he wrote to Kate all them months ago. _That letter_, she thought.

"and I'm going to level with you kid, if I didn't show up tonight I don't think I'd be thrilled to see Kate Beckett at the golden gates tomorrow morning, you've still got so much to live for." He grew serious.

Kate disagreed. Royce saw her brow furrow instantaneously.

"Yeah, like what? I'm a mess, I try to wear a mask and act like everything is fine , but it's not, I'm lying to someone who I really care about, I find it really hard to talk about my feelings to people because…," Kate's eyes began to fill with tears. "It's not like you can walk up to just anybody and be like _hey you know when you got shot in the chest by a sniper, how did that go for you?" _she did a great impression of a dramatic teenage girls voice. "Nobody understands me, nobody understands the mental and physical strength it takes for me to get out of bed every morning since, since… it happened," Kate broke eye contact with him and dragged her thumb across her face to wipe the river of tears heading south of her face, and then she made eye contact with Royce again. "I'm just… damaged goods." She let out a sigh.

"Give people a chance kid, some people really care about you," only one person came to Kate's mind in that moment. _Castle_. "You know that right?, myself included," he urged.

Kate remained silent_._

"I've got to admit, you were always a stubborn girl," he softly laughed and rubbed the side of his face with his free hand. "Even on the force, when I tried to train you on a pistol, you were so adamant on training yourself; day and night you spent in that shooting range to prove a point to me, I had to break so many rules to get you that permit, you weren't even fully qualified yet!." He smiled remembering the good times.

"But I'm not here to play catch up kid or fill in for doctor what's his name," he threw a hand behind him. Kate admired Royce for so many reasons, but one of her favourites was that he never gave you the puppy dog treatment. His attitude was that, life's a bitch; we all have our own problems, and the only person who can diminish them, is yourself.

"Now, Take my hand." he slammed his empty glass back on the coffee table and pulled himself up, holding out a hand for Kate. "I've got to take you somewhere; I've got to show you something."

Kate hesitated, unsure of what he might have up his sleeve.

"Hey, if you really think you've got a shitty life kid, take my hand and ill prove you wrong." he wore a pissed off expression on his face. He beckoned her to reach out, by arching his eye brow.

"Where are we going?" She asked in concern, after all she was on deaths door only twenty minutes ago. But she latched onto his hand anyway and then he pulled her onto her feet.

He trailed in front, dragging her to her front door tugging on her hand, he turned the door handle, and as they walked over the threshold together, Kate became blinded by a white light. What was once her buildings hallway was now transformed into a colossal square ice rink, it was glowing, filled with, young children and their parents scattered all around the perimeter. He let go of her hand and leaned against the barrier and watched two females ice skating in the far corner of the square.

It then dawned on her where she was and who they were watching. They were watching A 19 year old Kate Beckett and her mother linking each other, laughing and chatting among themselves as they glided along the ice.

He turned back to Kate. "Tonight, we're going into Beckett's past".

**So what's the significance of this nostalgic memory of Kate and her mother and what is Royce trying to tell her? Chapter 2 coming soon! And we still have 2 ghosts to go, 2 people to visit , and I'm saving the best for last ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, guys. Sorry it took me so long to update this chapter. I really like to read over it a bunch of times and do some brutal editing until I'm completely happy with it. Hope you enjoy.**

**Chapter 2**

**Ghost' of Beckett's past.**

Kate panicked. "Can they see us?" she asked.

"No. what is this, _Back to the future_?" Royce sarcastically replied.

"Then what's the meaning of this?" Kate' eyebrow furrowed, and her hands gestured toward the scene in front of her.

"Take a good look at that girl over there," Royce said, as he pointed to a young Kate, clumsily stumbling along the ice, laughing it off while her mother aided her. "You see her? That's you."

"Yeah I can see that, but what's your point?" a puzzled Kate said.

Now who's the smartass, he thought.

He threw his hands up in the air, irritated by the fact that she couldn't see what he could.

"Look how happy you are, kid." he said, stating the obvious.

He was right. Her younger self was radiant, she wore a wide grin, her skin was glowing, and happiness seeped out of every pour in her body. She found it hard to remember a time since when she felt she was as happy. Things only went downhill after her mother's death, and she had little reason to be _happy _right now.

"That was a long time ago; a lot has changed since I was nineteen." Disappointment was evident in her tone as she looked on at the two females in the far corner of the rink.

It was true, a lot had changed, but whether it was for better or for worse, it could be debated.

"Exactly, and look what you've accomplished since then." Royce said, convinced it was for the better.

Kate became infuriated "Look what I've accomplished? I've got a bullet hole in my chest." Kate snapped, convinced it was for the worse.

"Don't you think it's time to start building bridges instead of walls? The only reason you're sad is because you know you've been happy before. You may say the worlds an ugly place, but you're only seeing the view from you're door. And from where I'm standing, that chick over there," he jabbed his finger towards young Kate. "She was a glass half full type of gal."

Kate was speechless.

Royce was pretty blunt, in fact she didn't know anyone else who could be blunter, and it was one of his specialties. Just like the cold chill in the air, His words pierced through her. However he was right, wasn't he? She was wallowing in her own self-pity, only digging herself deeper into an endless hole and it was time to climb out, and he giving her a way out.

After a long moment of silence, which consisted mostly of Kate processing what Royce had spit at her, he decided to change the topic to something more light-hearted.

"So," he interjected. "What were you two laughing about? I'm curious." he brought Kate back to reality. If that's what you would call this situation, considering where they were, in some parallel universe one might say.

Kate gazed at the two women, studying them and then she remembered exactly what they were talking about. How could she forget?

"I was on a date the night before, with this guy…" she was conflicted on whether she should carry on. She was still a bit pissed at him, but also the fact that it was a private conversation herself and her mom shared she was a bit reluctant. Does Royce really care about her history with _boys_? She was a little embarrassed.

But she carried on anyway.

Besides, Royce is dead; he has no choice but to listen to her and who was he going to blab to anyway?

"I was telling her about this date, this horrible, horrendous, date from hell." Kate rolled her eyes and smiled. She was about to begin this tale, a cringe worthy moment from her teenage years. She felt like she was digging up the past and wiping a heavy sheet of dust off its cover.

"It was with this guy from college. He was a jock, a football captain, lacrosse captain, anything with _captain_ on the end of its title, you can be sure that he claimed it. He had it all, Perfect teeth, blue eyes, porcelain skin,"

Kate paused to giggle at herself, remembering her taste in guys when she was 19. _What was I thinking?_ She cringed at the thought.

"His blonde hair was cemented with hair gel, so much you'd swear it was a sheet of plastic set upon his scalp," Kate's nose creased remembering how ridiculous it looked. Now that she thought about it, he must have had German heritage somewhere in his family tree. "He was every girls dream, every guy wanted to be him, and every girl wanted to date him, and he got into Stanford on a football scholarship of course.

So, one sunny spring afternoon, in my freshman years, he approached me on campus. I was lying by myself on the football field reading one of my Shakespeare favourites, _Hamlet_. I wasn't a spring break type of girl to be frank; I was more of a poetry slam, or theatre geek type of student."

Royce gently laughed; still leaning against the barrier of the ice rink. Except now his posture was turned toward Kate instead of toward the two other females. He seemed to be listening intently. Kate was surprised he'd been genuinely attentive so far, who knew he'd be interested in the tales of Kate Beckett's dating history, maybe he wasn't such a smartass after all.

"So, he walked over, stood in front of me, casting a silhouetted shadow over my book, stealing the ray of sun that I was favourably enjoying, and he said to me –

_Hey, what are you reading? _

He acted like he gave a crap about what I was reading, but it was so obvious that he didn't."

Kate rolled her eyes and laughed to herself again, remembering what a douche he was.

"_Err, Hamlet_.

I tried to act natural, I really did, but on the inside I was screaming hysterically. The hottest guy on campus just came up to me, and spoke to _me_. I felt like the _chosen_ one,"

Kate slapped a hand over her eyes indicating her embarrassment; she shook her head and laughed it off. "So anyway, he replied –

_Oh cool, that's about the dude who falls in love with that chick Julia, right?_

Such a jock brain seriously, I would have loved to have seen his SAT scores.

_Err no, but close guess, it's about a prince who wants to avenge his father's death._

_Right, awesome, so you got plans tonight?_

Well, cut right to the chase, I had thought.

_Err no, why?_

_Well, you do now sweetheart, how about a date with me, Jeff Hendricks, tonight at that burger joint down the street?_

I thought for sure that I was on some hidden camera T.V show; I took a quick look around the football field.

No sign of life.

_Sure, pick me up around seven?_

I was screaming again on the inside again, but it was louder this time. Jeff Hendricks, king of Stanford just asked _me_ out on a date, it was such a _dear diary_ moment. Sure he was a douche, and what not, but for that brief moment I actually felt kind of cool, which was rare since most of the activities I took part in in college were deemed un cool, by the popular students.

So anyway, everything went according to plan, he picked me up in his Chevy at seven, handed me a rose when I got into his car, which was kind of sweet, and then away we went.

We went to Remy's, who serve the best burgers in town by the way, castle can back me up on-,"

She paused momentarily; there _he_ was lingering in her subconscious again.

"Anyway," she brushed the thought off. "We had a good time, he made me laugh. But it was more me laughing _at_ him rather than _with_ him, god loves a trier right? I knew where his brains were though and they definitely weren't in his head, but having said that, he was quite the gentleman that night, holding doors open, pulling my seat out, and getting the bill.

So, as he was dropping me off, he pulled up outside my house at around 10pm, and I was finishing off this stupid joke that I had read off the back of a cereal box that morning, and the punch line made him keel over with laughter, I mean the joke wasn't even funny I was just trying to make a conversation-"

Royce interjected. "Wait, what was the joke?" he asked curiously.

Kate blushed; it really was a crappy joke. She knew he would judge her joking talents when he heard this one.

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra."

Royce, rapidly burst out laughing.

"That's actually pretty funny, kid," he patted Kate's shoulder in approval. "I'm impressed."

"Seriously, you liked it?" a smile grew on Kate's face, she was oozing with pride, Captivated with herself. "But do you know what's even funnier? He actually thought the guy walked into a _bra, _not a bar, but a _bra."_

He let out another barking laugh. "God bless that kid, he was too stupid for his own good." Royce continued laughing to himself, shaking his head, whacking his hand off the barrier continuously. He was trying to imagine people like Jeff Hendricks being allowed to leave their house without special assistance.

"Anyway-" Kate tried to carry on with her story, but Royce interjected again.

"Wait, tell me that's the _horrific_ part, and please don't tell me it gets worse?" Royce' eyes grew wide. Shocked to think it could get any worse.

"Let me finish," Kate couldn't control the grin spreading across her face; she was enjoying this story, more than she thought she would have, and apparently so was Royce. And she had to admit , she was glad she was amusing herself. "So after I told him the joke, he turned to me mid laughter and said-

_You're so funny Kate, you remind me of my sister."_

"No phreaking' way" Royce etched.

"Yes," Kate pressed her eyes shut, cringing. "I know, I was like what the hell Dude, what even is this, so I began to cough hysterically, and I said-

_Oh, err, I'm suddenly not feeling too well, I think I better - I think I better go inside; we'll talk to you tomorrow maybe?_

I gushed out of that Chevy like my life depended on it." Kate sighed, expressing the relief she remembered feeling all those years ago. "And that was the last time I ever spoke to the _dreamy_ Jeff Hendricks." Kate shrugged her shoulders, finishing the tale.

"Well, I can see why your mom is laughing now." Royce said, as he chuckled. He turned his posture back to the two females who were still enjoying the ice, they were mixed among the other gleeful partakers who were pin balling up and down the square rink.

Kate broke the silence, and grew serious.

She began to fumble with her fingers which were resting upon the barricade she and Royce were leaning on.

"So, when I finished telling my mom that story, and she had her share of the laughter, she turned to me and said –

_Oh Katie, don't worry. Some day you're going to meet the right guy, and he's going to sweep you off your feet. But you're going to make him work for it." _Kate looked downcast, she missed her mom's advice, and those little moments they shared, just her and her mother in their little bubble shut off from the world around them. But now she was in her own bubble, a not so pleasant bubble and she was again closed off from the world. But her mother was right, because _someday_ had already happened, and it had befallen four years ago when Richard castle walked into her life and boy did she make him work for it.

Royce recognised the lingering look on Kate's face after she had finished quoting her mother, and he couldn't help but ask, So he stood up straight and crossed his arms just like a parent would, who was waiting to hear some lame excuse from their kid for staying out past their curfew.

"So, did he sweep you off your feet kid?" he asked, arching an eyebrow, wearing a bold smile

It only took half a second for Kate to realise whom he was referring to; Royce didn't even have to say his name_._

_Is it that obvious_? She thought.

She didn't answer him, not verbally anyway. Instead she blushed, gave him a shy smile and looked down at the ground. _Of course he did._

There was a comfortable silence between the two of them for a brief moment until Royce looked at his watch and began to speak.

"Well, it's getting late; I've got to get back." He said with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Get back to where? You're dead, what could you possibly be attending to in your condition." She quizzed.

"I've got other matters to attend to Miss Beckett, no sleep for the wicked," He winked. "I hope you learned something here today, kid."

"Well, if by _learn_ you mean, ghosts do exist?" Kate said before she stuck out her tongue.

"I'm serious Kate. The beauty of life is, while we can't undo what is done. We can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. You still can be happy, Kate. You once were happy," he gestured towards a young Kate who was now gliding along the ice without her mother's assistance. "And there is plenty of reason still to be happy." He reached out and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "So, take one long last look at nineteen year old Kate Beckett and remind yourself that even on the worst days, there is always a possibility for joy." He smiled.

Kate was thankful for the short span of time she got to share with Royce tonight, because _this_ was a small moment of joy for her on one of her worst days.

She still misses her old partner.

"I wish you didn't have to go." She whispered.

"Me too kid, me too." He answered, apologetically.

They began to walk back towards the beaten wooden door they entered through earlier, which now seemed like a lifetime ago. Royce had an arm hooked around Kate's shoulder and she leaned in against him, savouring their last few moments together. Just before he turned the door knob, Kate looked back over her shoulder at the square rink and gazed at herself, she smiled at the reflection of her youth, remembering an era of her life she now mourned for. But Royce was right, it was time to let go of her past and start to build her future. For a brief moment she made eye contact with her estranged self and she gave her a small smile. The younger Kate returned the gesture.

It was a sign of hope.

She revolved back around and walked through the threshold with Royce. The beaming white light from earlier was blinding her again, and they lingered in an unknown space for a brief moment.

"Well, kid, this is where we part." He frowned.

"Take care of yourself, Royce." Kate tried to hide the sadness in her voice.

"You too, Kate, Oh and tell castle to take care of my girl for me, you hear."

Kate chuckled, and nodded.

Royce slowly started to back away, into the unknown, until he was swallowed by the light.

And then just like that, she whirled around, and she was back in her living room, back into the darkness, and the silence. Everything left the way she had left it. She glanced at the clock hanging on the wall that faced her kitchen; only thirty minutes had passed since her encounter with Royce because it was only 3.30am. She went over to her front door and drew it open, just to see if there was still an ice rink on the opposite side, but there wasn't. Just her standard dull hallway and her neighbours door and umbrella bucket staring back at her.

"What the hell just happened?" she whispered to herself, as she stood in the doorway.

The boys are never going to believe this, she thought.

She huffed into the silence.

_The boys, _she thought again. They were probably relieved to get a break from her right now. Kate felt like a hindrance at the precinct lately. It's as if her personal problems were just holding everyone she associated with back, from the day to day of the job.

_Crime sleeps for no one_, she thought.

And then, unexpectedly a voice from behind broke the lonely silence.

"Hey Beckett, quit standing around and pour your old captain a drink would ya'?"


	3. Chapter 3

**So, this is chapter three. I enjoyed using this ghost because this is where we start to visit people. ;) **

**As you Can see, I love cliff-hangers :P**

**Enjoy!**

**Ghosts' of Beckett's past.**

**Chapter 3**

_It's going to be a long night._ She thought to herself.

Kate knew she couldn't blame the alcohol and pills on this one, because she had practically sobered up from the shock of Royce's guest appearance.

She whirled around on the balls of her feet, slamming the door closed behind her to make sure nothing or anyone else could get in without her noticing.

"Roy?" She whispered.

There he was, Roy Montgomery, Standing in the middle of her living room, her old captain, friend and advisor.

"I may be dead, and no longer your boss, but you can still address me as captain, understood?" He winked

"What the hell is this?" she was still whispering to herself.

One apparition a night was enough for any human.

He was dressed in a white silk suit that his wife had buried him in. Now that that she got a good look, he really did look like an angel sent from above. He was glowing, no trace of tragedy in his appearance, the tragedy that took him from her all those months ago.

"Is this the way you address all your guests? Now get over here, and give this black man a hug". He chuckled as he beckoned her to him.

She sauntered over to him, and he pulled her in for a tight hug.

They lingered for a few seconds before Kate broke away and spoke.

"I- I don't even know what to say."

"Well, nice to see you captain, can I get you a drink, would be a good start." He patted her shoulder, hinting at the request.

"Oh, right. I'll give you the special scotch that I save for visitors like – _you_." Kate said as she furrowed her brow.

She was never thought the table manners, to deal with these types of _visitors. _

She pondered over to her kitchen and reached up into the top cupboard and fetched the small bottle of scotch. It was covered in a thin sheet of dust; she wiped it clean with the tail end of her blue sweater_. _

_It's been a while since I took you out. _She thought to herself, referring to the personal sized bottle of scotch.

"So, how are the," Roy paused momentarily, reminiscing on the good old days. "…Boys."

He sure did miss the bather he had with those two.

"They're good." She said as she made her way back to her living room. She was clasping two glasses in one hand, and carrying the scotch in the other. She had water in one glass; she thought it was best to quit the strong stuff for tonight. She gestured for Roy to sit down on her couch.

And, so he did.

"And, how's _castle?" _he quizzed, popping an eyebrow. She knew exactly why he emphasized his name.

She poured him a drink, accompanying him on the couch.

"Uhm, he's fine." She lied. Who was she trying to fool? The guy was worried sick about her. She had about twenty miscalls from him since she left the precinct today. But, time alone is what she needed. She wished Royce and Roy understood that too.

"You two still got the love bug for each other?" he asked.

Her old captain had a wide grin on his face, before taking a sip of his scotch. He was teasing her weak spot.

Kate coughed her drink back into her glass, "what, are you even talking about?"

"Two fools in love, Reminds me of Mrs Montgomery and myself in the beginning. All that sexual tension building up until one day we just-,"

"OKAY, okay I think I get the picture." Kate urged while Pressing her eyes shut, trying to make the mental image of her old captain and his wife canoodling.

"So, who's this gates lady who's been calling the shots in _my house_?" Montgomery asked, eager to find out.

She was pleased he had changed the subject.

"Well," Kate didn't want to hurt Roy's ego, so she thought she'd soften the blow. Gates wasn't a walk in the park, but Kate knew she wasn't the worst captain to work under. "I guess she's … different."

"Good different?"

Kate smiled smugly, Just as she had predicted,_ wounded ego_.

"Oh, come on captain, nobody compares to you." She threw him a wink and swatted his arm in a playful manner.

"I've always liked you Beckett". He giggled before he returned the wink.

"So, what are you doing here? And please say you're not going to get all philosophical on me, because I think I've had enough of that for one night." She playfully rolled her eyes, reflecting on her time with Royce.

"Well I wanted to see how you are? After all,I know we didn't part on the best of terms," he winced. "And the philosophical part, well, I can't promise anything." He teased.

"Oh." Kate muttered, remembering how they parted, how could she forget? It haunts her mind every day. "Well, I'm fine. You know me, captain. I always come out the other side." She half smiled, not believing her own words.

"I know you a lot better than you think, so don't try that _fine_ act with me, Kate." Montgomery grew serious glancing over her appearance.

"Okay, so they're not exactly _fine_, if you must know." she began to peel the label off the scotch bottle with her finger nails, trying to distract her train of thought

"Do go on?" Roy insisted, taking another sip of his drink.

"My therapist said I'm suffering from PTSD, but I don't know, it seems like a lot more." She confessed as she glanced back up at Roy from under her lashes. She could always confide in her old captain. He was one of the few people who understood her, mainly because he was part of her ill-fated… _past._

"Have you talked to castle about it?" He asked, cradling the glass in his hand as he leaned back against the layer of pillows.

"Why castle?" Kate tried to pretend like she didn't understand what Roy was insinuating.

"Well he cares about you Beckett, maybe he can help." He offered.

"The situation with castle is complicated, right now." She said before peeling the scotch wrapper again.

"And by complicated you mean, in denial about your feelings toward him."

He really did know her; he could read her like a book, and a very difficult book at that.

"Sort of." She admitted.

"Sort of?" Roy asked in confusion.

Kate paused before she replied, she was thinking about her and castles current relationship. She wanted to explain to Roy why things aren't black and white in her mind, like they are in castles.

"You see, captain. With castle I know it's real. I know once I dive into it I'm in it for the long run. But I want to give him that one hundred percent, I want to give him that full commitment, but not right now. Right now I'm damaged, I've got these massive walls towering over me and they aren't going anywhere until I put my mom's murder to rest."

"Have you told him this?" he questioned.

"Ye, but I didn't go into much detail." Kate averted eye contact. She quickly skipped over the part where she _lied_ to castles face in the hospital, after she was shot.

"I see, And how about Espo and Ryan, have you spoken to them about your PTSD."

She adored how Montgomery was always so concerned for her welfare. God she missed him.

"They've got enough on their plates right now with this case. I feel like a burden, like I'm just a weight tied to their ankles. I feel like I'm slowing them down. Maybe I should just stay out of their hair until they sort this case out." Kate said as she sipped at her water, feeling sorry for herself. Why did she half to be so difficult?

"Beckett, I don't think you realise the significance you have in some people's lives, do you know that? I can assure you, the world would be a very different place if Kate Beckett did not exist." Roy said as he knocked the last drop of his scotch down his neck.

"Yeah, half of the county jail would be running free if that's what you mean." She managed half a smile.

Roy studied her for a while before asking her something,

"Say, you in the mood for a midnight stroll with your old captain?" he smirked.

"Will I need ice skates?" she worriedly probed.

After last time, she wanted to be prepared.

"What? Beckett, where the hell do you think we're going?" he looked at her like she was losing her mind.

"It's just that- actually never mind, it's nothing." She let out a small laugh. She did sound a bit delusional after she heard herself.

"Okay then, let's go." He placed his empty glass on the coffee table and jumped up, offering his hand out for her to hold.

"wait-," Kate hesitated. What spiritual journey was Montgomery taking her on, nothing could top the ice rink situation could it?

"Wait for what, you expecting somebody else to come over," Roy scanned the dim, empty apartment. "I didn't think so, now get up off your ass and just go with it." He pulled her up off her seat with enthusiasm.

Kate fixed herself and plopped her slippers back on that were situated under the coffee. She had forgotten to put them on before the ice rink trip, and she quickly regretted it.

"Well, go on." Roy gestured towards Kate's bedroom door.

She walked in front with caution and he trailed behind.

When she pushed it open, she was not greeted by her bedroom.

But what looked to be an old fashioned food diner, a beat down place with grungy wallpaper, checker tiles, its red leather furniture decaying, and didn't seem the cleanliest either. It looked like one of those food joints off a highway in the middle of no man's land. It smelled of grease and coffee, and an overweight lady behind the counter was fanning herself with a menu over the lack of air conditioning. The fluorescent lights above were flickering consistently, indicating the buildings cry for help. There was a large juke box to the left of them currently playing _Twist and Shout_.

"What a dive." Montgomery said in disgust as his nose creased up.

Kate skimmed her eyes around the place, and soon nodded in agreement.

"What's the meaning of this?" she asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"You recognise that guy over there?" he pointed to a booth in the corner of the room, with the only customer in the place occupying it.

Kate studied the man for a short moment, and then it soon became clear to her.

Oh she knew him.


End file.
